[What he hears is the same argument they'd had on Utapau, after Ahsoka had left and Obi-Wan explained how he could never be disappointed in Anakin. About how Anakin could never fail him and how certain he was that he'd never need to know what it was like. When Anakin had stayed up most of the night staring out into the darkness, wondering if he would ever see her again. If it was going to be like his mother, or Padmé- a lifetime of saying goodbye to the people he loves.
His fingers curl into fists and Anakin finds that no matter how much he cares about Obi-Wan, he has a name for this feeling now. The one filling his mouth with ash. Resentment.]
Fine.
When I return home, I'm going to assassinate the Chancellor and send my wife into hiding. And if I'm not arrested and executed for the crime, then I'm going to leave the Order. How does that make you feel.
[ He can feel the sizzle of resentment, a prickle at the base of his skull (I hate you!, his mind reminds him, before he can push the nightmare away) and shivers. Forges onward. ]
Grief, that you feel you must do this alone. And certainty, that I would never let the Republic make an example of you.
If I must leave the Order to make that happen, then that is what I will do.
I would have left if the Council turned you away after Qui-Gon died. I would have left if you decided the Jedi Order was not your place when you were twelve. And I will leave now, whether you ask me to or not, if this is the path you choose to walk.
[It hits him like a slap in the face. Anakin staggers beneath it, retreats instinctively, as if his feet are looking for firmer ground- as if he's made a mistake.]
I don't understand
[Disbelief, confusion, a wringing of hands, the churning of water. The keenly watchful face of an eleven year old waiting for the other shoe to drop.]
We're in different times And you won't believe me. You'll try to stop me
[ It would be ideal, wouldn't it? Arrest him and have him tried for treason. Expose him to the public. Show the people the Jedi are right, that the Chancellor was the evil one.
But then he remembers Ahsoka's trial and the Senate's interference. He remembers how ready he was to kill Palpatine himself when Yoda looked at him. ]
No.
The only reasonable thing I will ask of you, as I have always done, is to think before you act.
[ I want to believe you, he says, and Obi-Wan gazes at the message with the gentle sinking sensation of loss. Things were much worse between them than he anticipated. It's somewhat embarrassing that it took this long and such circumstances for him to understand the full scope of it. ]
[Where Obi-Wan sees something to grieve, Anakin sees something he longs for. He's so often felt alone in his years as a Jedi Knight. He's had his own Master and his own Padawan, he's had Rex's friendship and Padmé's love and still he'd been keeping secrets from all of them. Never seen in his entirety, never known because he wouldn't let himself be. I hope you will at least think about it Obi-Wan says, as if Anakin hasn't wanted someone to trust- with everything.]
[Maybe Obi-Wan means it to sounds like an offer, but what Anakin hears is an impending sacrifice and shame begins to flood in around his ankles. The worry that he's asking for something Obi-Wan doesn't give freely, but that he gives it out of duress.]
[ He stops. Stares down at the innocuous question. Wonders how to diplomatically phrase his answer. When he starts again, he types for what seems like forever before finally sending: ]
I am not sure what I want is attainable outside Danaca.
[ it shouldn't be so difficult to ask for what he wants, but years of training have made it second nature for Obi-Wan to fold his desires into a carefully contained box. Danaca blew it violently apart. Only now does he realize how poorly he has been coping with revelation. ]
I have tried my best not to let my personal feelings effect my decisions as long as I can remember. My answer is difficult to put into words.
But I would open it not just because you have asked. I would open it because I want to. Have wanted to, despite everything I have been taught.
[ after all, they were meant to dissolve it long ago — and somewhere, mutually, along the way they chose not to ]
[Far be it from Anakin to start scolding anyone for not being able to ask for what they want. He's been smothering the words for as long as he's known what they were.]
Many of us behaved in ways that we would not have normally had the leeway to do. Whether due to propriety, or duty. I wondered, too, in the aftermath if it was a distraction or a cruel trick. But if we have been brought to this place on a journey of self discovery, I sense there is a lesson here, too.
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[ Across the distance between them, he touches the bond that ties them. If you are asking—]
So ask me, and I will know you are listening when I answer.
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His fingers curl into fists and Anakin finds that no matter how much he cares about Obi-Wan, he has a name for this feeling now. The one filling his mouth with ash. Resentment.]
Fine.
When I return home, I'm going to assassinate the Chancellor and send my wife into hiding. And if I'm not arrested and executed for the crime, then I'm going to leave the Order. How does that make you feel.
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Grief, that you feel you must do this alone. And certainty, that I would never let the Republic make an example of you.
If I must leave the Order to make that happen, then that is what I will do.
I would have left if the Council turned you away after Qui-Gon died. I would have left if you decided the Jedi Order was not your place when you were twelve. And I will leave now, whether you ask me to or not, if this is the path you choose to walk.
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I don't understand
[Disbelief, confusion, a wringing of hands, the churning of water. The keenly watchful face of an eleven year old waiting for the other shoe to drop.]
We're in different times
And you won't believe me. You'll try to stop me
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[ How had he said it? Sith lords are our specialty. What a joke. Derisiveness slithers through him before he can bring it under control.]
But you know it to be true, and you are the only person who could tell me that I would possibly believe.
I know what loyalty means to you, Anakin, and you would never accuse a friend of such betrayal if you were not absolutely certain.
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You'll want us to be reasonable about it. To arrest him.
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But then he remembers Ahsoka's trial and the Senate's interference. He remembers how ready he was to kill Palpatine himself when Yoda looked at him. ]
No.
The only reasonable thing I will ask of you, as I have always done, is to think before you act.
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I want to believe you
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I hope you will at least think about it.
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Would you open it?
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If you wanted it.
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What about what you want?
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I
[ He stops. Stares down at the innocuous question. Wonders how to diplomatically phrase his answer. When he starts again, he types for what seems like forever before finally sending: ]
I am not sure what I want is attainable outside Danaca.
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Well
I'm hardly infallible despite popular opinion.
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I have tried my best not to let my personal feelings effect my decisions as long as I can remember. My answer is difficult to put into words.
But I would open it not just because you have asked. I would open it because I want to. Have wanted to, despite everything I have been taught.
[ after all, they were meant to dissolve it long ago — and somewhere, mutually, along the way they chose not to ]
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And
You're not scared?
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What if I know something afterwards and you can't take it back
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I will just have to trust you, the way you will be trusting me.
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I know it was just a distraction.
But I thought that place was kindof nice too.
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A distraction?
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At first I thought
But then there were those shadows
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