[ I want to believe you, he says, and Obi-Wan gazes at the message with the gentle sinking sensation of loss. Things were much worse between them than he anticipated. It's somewhat embarrassing that it took this long and such circumstances for him to understand the full scope of it. ]
[Where Obi-Wan sees something to grieve, Anakin sees something he longs for. He's so often felt alone in his years as a Jedi Knight. He's had his own Master and his own Padawan, he's had Rex's friendship and Padmé's love and still he'd been keeping secrets from all of them. Never seen in his entirety, never known because he wouldn't let himself be. I hope you will at least think about it Obi-Wan says, as if Anakin hasn't wanted someone to trust- with everything.]
[Maybe Obi-Wan means it to sounds like an offer, but what Anakin hears is an impending sacrifice and shame begins to flood in around his ankles. The worry that he's asking for something Obi-Wan doesn't give freely, but that he gives it out of duress.]
[ He stops. Stares down at the innocuous question. Wonders how to diplomatically phrase his answer. When he starts again, he types for what seems like forever before finally sending: ]
I am not sure what I want is attainable outside Danaca.
[ it shouldn't be so difficult to ask for what he wants, but years of training have made it second nature for Obi-Wan to fold his desires into a carefully contained box. Danaca blew it violently apart. Only now does he realize how poorly he has been coping with revelation. ]
I have tried my best not to let my personal feelings effect my decisions as long as I can remember. My answer is difficult to put into words.
But I would open it not just because you have asked. I would open it because I want to. Have wanted to, despite everything I have been taught.
[ after all, they were meant to dissolve it long ago — and somewhere, mutually, along the way they chose not to ]
[Far be it from Anakin to start scolding anyone for not being able to ask for what they want. He's been smothering the words for as long as he's known what they were.]
Many of us behaved in ways that we would not have normally had the leeway to do. Whether due to propriety, or duty. I wondered, too, in the aftermath if it was a distraction or a cruel trick. But if we have been brought to this place on a journey of self discovery, I sense there is a lesson here, too.
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I want to believe you
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I hope you will at least think about it.
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Would you open it?
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If you wanted it.
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What about what you want?
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I
[ He stops. Stares down at the innocuous question. Wonders how to diplomatically phrase his answer. When he starts again, he types for what seems like forever before finally sending: ]
I am not sure what I want is attainable outside Danaca.
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Well
I'm hardly infallible despite popular opinion.
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I have tried my best not to let my personal feelings effect my decisions as long as I can remember. My answer is difficult to put into words.
But I would open it not just because you have asked. I would open it because I want to. Have wanted to, despite everything I have been taught.
[ after all, they were meant to dissolve it long ago — and somewhere, mutually, along the way they chose not to ]
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And
You're not scared?
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What if I know something afterwards and you can't take it back
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I will just have to trust you, the way you will be trusting me.
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I know it was just a distraction.
But I thought that place was kindof nice too.
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A distraction?
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At first I thought
But then there were those shadows
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