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[Anakin's entire body goes still. As empty as a planet without atmo, a cruiser without fuel. The words cut through him, cleanly, precisely. They land like a mortal blow without the pain because... it's what he wants to hear- maybe the thing he's always wanted to hear.

But-

Fear remains in his gut, tells him to hesitate. Tells him to keep holding on, to dig in even harder if he must, to choke it if he has to- as long as he holds on the worst won't happen-

He is so afraid to trust it.]

But

You just said

What I said does not change that fact. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. I have always been right behind you.

[ though it is the first time they have spoken on it aloud. perhaps Obi-Wan assumed that his former Padawan had just known, and didn't need him to say it. but the fact remains Obi-Wan had been willing not once, but twice, to walk away from the Order to be where Anakin was. ]

No

[Even as he says it, there are two voices in reply- Anakin's, and another's. No, Obi-Wan Kenobi hasn't always been behind him. He doesn't understand, he doesn't trust him, because Obi-Wan is a good Jedi. And Anakin is-]

You want me to say that it'll be alright if you die, because that's what everyone else will say

[Because that's what I'm supposed to say]

[ Anakin is right in this. That is what they say: There is no death, there is the Force. But it is not an easy lesson learned, and even once it is learned, does not change the feeling. He thinks of the wounds of Qui-Gon and Satine in his heart and soul. He thinks about how There is no death, there is the Force wouldn't bring Qui-Gon's towering frame back into his door, carting some new and strange life form behind him. ]

To say something does not always make it true. Sometimes

I think sometimes we say it to convince ourselves it is true.

But that does not change the way it feels.

[It happens gently, tenderly, and perhaps so slowly that Anakin would never have been able to notice. He isn't naive, he's struggled to explain acceptance and attachment to his own padawan. He understands the purpose of this belief, and the comfort it's meant to bring in the wake of loss.

But how many times had the Council or the Senate made a decision he couldn't agree with? How many times did they ask him to turn a blind eye to suffering, to clones left to die, to slavery, to things that could be prevented if they just faught for it-]

I don't want to be convinced

[ It's difficult to see the honesty, perhaps because he knows that Anakin defines himself as a Jedi — and one is not meant to pick and choose what it means to be a Jedi. His kneejerk response is to need to convince Anakin of it's importance, that holding on too tight is how one falls — but he remembers what Ahsoka said, and thinks... maybe it is time for change. ]

I understand.

[What Obi-Wan doesn't say exists in the air either way- because Anakin too had been raised in the Order. He knows what they would say, what their advice would be, because it plays on a loop through his thoughts. He knows better. He knows-]

Do you?

[It isn't an accusation that reaches carefully- tentatively across their bond. It's an apology maybe. Obi-Wan has sacrificed so many things for him, has tried so hard to make Anakin a good Jedi. A worthy Jedi.]

I understand what the Council asks of me.

But I can't

Why do we surrender when someone needs us? Why have we had so many acceptable losses?

[ It's a difficult question, but facing it like this he knows it shouldn't be. Obi-Wan knows the logistical reasoning, like why they can't tackle the entire slave trade and Hutt empire in the Outer Rim, but what about right under their noses? When did they become politicians, instead of guardians of the peoples interests? ]

I believe in the Jedi. What we stand for is right, and good.

[ He takes a breath. ]

But my Master

He often said we should not follow the Code blindly.

[Obi-Wan's thoughts are slow to unfold, careful and measured under his examination, but Anakin can feel them all the same. It makes them a pair of mirrors- cautious about how much they reveal, and revealing all the same.]

But what else is there?

[ he doesn't know the answer to the question until Anakin asks it; and he thinks of his Master, and the other Jedi, and of Ahsoka, and of tea and humble stew on a dark weathered table. ]

Love. For ourselves, and each other; for every light in the universe.

But that's dangerous

Like you said about attachments

Possessive love is dangerous, Anakin. Wanting to own the people we love is dangerous.

You said compassion is like an unconditional love; and a Jedi should have compassion for all beings.

I'm not talking about wanting to own anyone

Just

Why tell me this? Tell the Council
Remind the whole Republic while we're at it

[ it almost makes him want to laugh. or cry. ]

I wish you had the opportunity to know Qui-Gon better. The two of you are cut from the same cloth.

[The words land as a blow and all at once, Anakin begins to fold up. The petals of a flower closing defensively in on itself.]

I'm sorry Master.
I know you wanted more time with him.

I'm telling you this, Anakin, because my Master thought the same as you. The Council did not always agree with him, but it did not make him a bad Jedi.

Master Qui-Gon was

It's different

[ Obi-Wan knows there is no sense in wishing for what cannot be, but he can't help but wonder if Qui-Gon would not have been a better Master than he. Would he have been able to intuit what was going on, the way he had such an uncanny ability to do? Could he have saved Anakin from the fall? ]

What makes you say that?

I'm not like him
Or you

I've done things I shouldn't

[ it means something different, now that he knows what Anakin is capable of. the Force feels like it's buzzing around him. ]

Do you know why you did them?

[What a question.

Do you know why you did them?
It plays on repeat, not like a transmission on loop, but like the slow, spaced out ripples in the room of a thousand fountains.]

Of course I do
[We're fighting a war, we've all had to do things-
but that isn't right is it?

He wasn't fighting a war on Tatooine. And even in combat- he's known when he should stop-]

It's

[ he waits long enough for it to be obvious Anakin won't continue before gently touching their bond and prompting: ]

Go on.

Sometimes its necessary
Sometimes they deserve it

[ Anakin is not wrong, but this is such a dangerous train of thought. Did he think they deserved it when he descended upon the Temple? Were these the lies Palpatine had fed Anakin over so many years? Obi-Wan is not quick to hatred, but... ]

Confusing justice with revenge is one of our greatest struggles. I have felt it too.

Whatever you have done is only part of who you are. Every time the Force presents us with this choice, you have another chance to make a different one. That you continue to try is what makes you a good Jedi.

[His pulse thrums in his ears like a drum, heavy with adrenaline. Anakin can feel the heat of it inside himself as if he's waiting for a blow to land. Preparing for the next movement of a fight. He says confusing justice with revenge and Anakin wants to rush to meet it, to say that he knows the difference!

But the reply doesn't end there. It is a part of who you are, he reads, make a choice he understands. And then, That you continue to try is what makes you a good Jedi. His eyes retrace the words.

...Then they start over, at the beginning. And he realizes he'd read something wrong. is only part of who you are. His breathing slows. He closes his eyes and forces himself to swallow.]

What
[It's there, the fear. The voice that says he doesn't trust you. He doesn't understand you.]

What if I can't regret my actions?

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onlyhope - 2021-10-15 03:24 (UTC) - Expand